A very long while….. 3 years actually. the last time i went onto tumblr was 2013 which is a god awfully long time ago. so many things have changed. now in my 4th year of college, still shunning myself for not being the studious person that my parents want me to be. the struggle of getting into nursing got to me and i’m now studying towards a degree in child development which who knows what i will do with it. i feel like i’m getting farther away from my dream and i won’t be satisfied with my life in the future. honestly, i just want to settle with what i can do with my chad degree and hopefully be satisfied with the outcomes. as a person, i feel a bit more developed after joining aphio. i still don’t know people skills sometimes because i HATE small talk. but i realize that small talk leads to big talk and it is necessary to get to know people. but sometimes i wish people would know what kind of person i am and bypass the small talk. 

here’s what has changed in the past 3 years:

- got a boyfriend

- lost one of my best friends

- declared chad as my major

- started driving

- realized there are people worth knowing 

- started drinking 

- started popping

lol at the people who are still a constant in my life… sometimes i feel like if i ha gotten out of my comfort zone earlier, i would have better social skills and wouldn’t be the awkwardass girl i am today. but then, i think about why others can’t be open minded to the different kinds of people there are in this world. i want to be eeyore and still be invited to all the gatherings and included in the group without having to change myself. but that is too much to ask for of other people because they are selfish beings. 

the main reason i wanted to vent out my current frustrations on tumblr after 3 years is because of my boyfriend. my first ever boyfriend. honestly, it is surprising to me as well how fast i got a boyfriend. he honestly came in like a wrecking ball. i didn’t expect it to happen that fast. and everyone told me to slow it down because things really were happening fast… but IT’S MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. i was too caught up with the fact that someone wants to be in a relationship with me that i didn’t realize that things were moving too fast. i’m honestly not at peace with myself to be in a relationship. i was so mopey about NOT having a boyfriend that when it happened, i became such a fake person. i did everything that he wanted without expressing my true thoughts and kept them in my head. i don’t even know why i did that because iw ould think the thought then not say it out loud. then he would think that i have nothing to say and would become bored. 

i regret agreeing to have the fancy dinner with him so early. i didn’t know him. who gets to know someone over a fancy dinner???? like a few hours at a dinner would tell you everything about a person, especially being the deciding factor of a relationship. in some people’s eyes, it’s bribery. i was so flattered that he wanted to bring me out to dinner at a high class restaurant that i felt like it would be an asshole move to not try out this relationship thing. stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid me. it was a warning sign already. why was he so adamant on having a relationship with me without knowing who i really was? i don’t show my real self easily. even with my best friends it took me at least 2 years until i showed them my true self behind the introvert. 

one of the things that i regret the most is that i gave myself up to him SO EASILY. i want to hit my head against the wall until it bleeds. i’m such a fucking dumbass. i tell myself i should respect myself more than this. just because you two are sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean that you couldn’t get away from him or stop him from trying to have sex with you. you honestly did not know him. you don’t know his intentions. you didn’t know what an arrogant, obnoxious bastard he is. he doesn’t understand you. he doesn’t understand what it meant to wait. he doesn’t know what it means to actually like someone. he’s a judgemental asshole who contradicts his words. saying “it doesn’t matter how they look, it’s what’s on the inside that counts” when all he does is judge girls and anyone he meets by their looks. “i’m thinking about what she looks like without makeup” LOL? WHO THE FUCK CARES. you said yourself that you don’t care about how people look, especially the person who you’re having a relationship with right? what a fucking hypocrite. then why are you judging someone who passed by you and never see again? a lot of the times i want to punch you in the face because of the perception that you gave me before of you. you don’t like me, let’s be real. if i hadn’t confessed to you that one night then you wouldn’t have noticed me. 1) i don’t have long hair up to my waist, 2) i’m not “cutesy” 3) i’m too introverted 4) i don’t know what i’m doing with life 5) i have pimples. i should have known that getting into a relationship with you was too good from the start. people don’t like me instantly. it takes time. and you’re saying it only took you a week to like me? lmfao i barely even talked to you. you’re just a perverted, horny guy who wants a fool of a girl next to you at all times. guess what? i’m not going to be that girl. i don’t fucking care if our relationship lasted only a month and a half. idc what people might say. i definitely deserve to have someone better who is more kind-hearted, understanding, openminded, and supportive. next time i won’t be so naive to just jump into the lion’s lare without expectations. 

this is why people don’t get into relationships.